From Fat to Last

By Kyle Bauer

 

Sometimes life lets you down. Sometimes heroes fall. Sometimes the gravity pulls you under. But unfortunately for me, the Rex Ryan gravitational pull has decreased.

The worlds most successful morbidly obese man has sold out. On Sunday it was reported that Rex Ryan will be receiving lap-band surgery. This is like finding out your favorite baseball player is on steroids, except in the case of Ryan it is dropping weight. How could a man whose virility was counted in calories, strip himself of the strength in steaks that created a legend?

Virility counting in calories is not a reach in the case of Ryan. When he was pounding down 7,000 calories a day, the Jets were rolling, as if they were kneading out pie crust as sweet as the Superbowl. Normally I advocate weight loss, dieting and healthy living but Ryan NEEDS TO BE FAT. Without his girth, the Jets will not clinch a playoff berth.

In the continuation of sad moves by Jets personnel, they make another move that will hurt their post-season chances. LT HAS SIGNED WITH THE JETS.

Lets do the math

LT+slender Rex Ryan= NO CONCEIVABLE WAY THE JETS FINISH OUTSIDE OF LAST PLACE.

The bowl bound blubber will melt from Rex and then they sign the ultimate loser? What the fuck Jets. Also they lost the coin toss to play the first game at the new stadium. IT HAS ALREADY STARTED.

You have to remember that the Shonn Greene mocked LT’s celebration when he scored the dagger against the Chargers. Now LT will have to back up the kid who showed him up. How poetic in the land of Real Deal Karma.

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WHAT IT DID!

By Kyle Bauer

I was about to lose all hope.

It all looked so bleak.

When the Cardinals lost, I looked like a complete fool. I boasted on the radio show that the winner of the Packers-Cardinals game on Wildcard Weekend would go on to play in the Superbowl. On paper, the Cardinals looked fearsome and as I have always said the most talented team in the league. Last week I continued to profess my love for Arizona, along with my co-host Neal, we predicted ‘pain’ for the Saints. Unfortunately the Cardinals underachieving defense, continued to underachieve. Kurt Warner went down and went down hard. The game was over by the second quarter.

The rendered me a choice of Dallas, Minnesota and New Orleans. For those of you who read this blog regularly, you know that I despise all three teams. Dallas for being perpetually overhyped. Minnesota because of Favre. New Orleans because of “WHO DAT!?” I was cheering so hard for Arizona or Green Bay to come out of the NFC. Whoever came out of that matchup became my only hope, which may have slightly influenced my ‘BOLD ASS’ prediction that the the winner would represent at the Superbowl, of course, there was also a fair deal of logic.

I was a drift on Saturday night. Completely stunned in wake of the “MASSACRE ON THE MISSISSIPPI”. Being so depressed, I diverted away from television, radio, books, society….life.

In my head I recalled my brief battle with pain killers. Not that it was really a battle, I was voluntarily popping them, but still I recalled the ‘escape’ they provided me. They opened up a world of whimsy where I was free from frightening images, such as Tony Romo and Brett Favre hugging, Adrian Peterson eating candy bars, Marion Barber at the training table and a gaggle of rednecks in Saints jerseys shooting a television.

I contemplated….

Do I return?

NO.

 One; kids, drugs are bad. Two; they made me constipated. Three; I knew that Ladainian Tomlinson was going to take the field on Sunday evening and FAIL.

Fighting the NFL/ESPN hype machine can be hard sometimes. Most battles you will lose,  for example when the ‘World Wide Leader in Sports’ continuously refers to Favre as the “40 year old version” but you will always win the battle when it comes to LT, especially at this time of year.

Of course, the Chargers choked and inexplicably, the Jets are in the AFC Championship. Well to briefly touch on the Jets, this is not inexplicable. They have a great running game, awesome on both lines and I’m not going to mention “Revis Island”…ahem. The Jets are identical to the Ravens run last season. I just never figured that they would get past Cincinnati, but they were better than the Bengals at executing a similar offense and defense.

Still, the Chargers looked like they had the matchup in every facet last night. Despite that, the result was not unexpected. I hoped for it. I would had fought for it. LT did it.  Twelve carries for 24 yards.  Why do I have a feeling that Norv Turner should see a plastic surgeon about his skin, but beforehand, he should had took a bat to LT, because when that vag is on the bench, the Chargers can seem to at least win one playoff game.

 What I was most surprised about is that Tomlinson didn’t just give up like he usually does in the playoffs, but if you noticed, he didn’t play late in the fourth quarter. Maybe he actually did quit and CBS, the NFL Network and ESPN just hid it from us.  Nooooo, I’m sure LT was determined. You have to be after letting this leak out…

Ladanian Tomlinson has saved me. I was going to allow myself to slip into the abyss of sport dispair, possibly never to return again. Instead LT will likely never return again. Initially I am happy about this possibility, yet I am aware that he may never be here to vindicate me from the NFL/ESPN hype machine again.

Miss you LT (2002-2010)

Whose the Dopest MC? Shaq vs LT vs Primetime

Real Deal on Headlines

By Kyle Bauer

This is normally the weekly feature in which I give my two cents on all the big sports headlines, local and national. In light of recent events, I have decided to save all my good material for tomorrows episode of the Real Deal on Sports, where we will talk about

Lane Kiffin/Pete Carroll

Mark McGwire

The Jose Valverde to the Tigers rumors

The LT Dance

Putting Kurt Warner in perspective

An interview with Pistons insider Dave Pemberton at 11:15

and an all new Real Deal on Society

…Just tune in to that 11 to 1pm on 88.3fm Auburn Hills and streaming worldwide at www.wxou.org

Until then, I ask that you reflect on the disaster in Haiti. Remember God is punishing them because they made a pact with the devil. So don’t feel too bad.

Now to lighten the mood here is Ochocinco racing a horse.

“I hate Ladainian Tomlinson, like people hate cancer.” -Neal Ruhl

By Kyle Bauer

Well originally I had planned on writing a scathing prose commemorating how absolutely bad this decade has been for the Lions  juxtaposed against the Cardinals but I get lazy, real lazy. Maybe I’ll eventually write that piece but why do such a thing when multiple must-watch sports related You Tube videos come up.

Ladainian Tomlinson. Ohhhhh LT, LT, LT….Normally I would appreciate an athlete doing something so cheesy and ridiculous, you know, like in the vain of Chris Cooley. Instead I will not give him credit. No LT, this doesnt save you from the rath of the Real Deal on Sports, especially when this Sunday, you’re going to have Darren Sproles bail you out after you get toxic shock from your tampon. I know this is your idea of having fun and being loose and you’re trying to be silly like the 1985 Bears but nooooooooooo, that doesnt fly with your history, your legend of playoff softness. Retire or get a meaningful touchdown in the playoffs, one or the other. Don’t make silly videos, thinking that you’re going to lighten peoples criticism of you around this time of year and pundits such as Neal and I feasting on your dying career.

Once again, for the record, had anyone else done this video, I would had praised it. Especially since this is done in a Eric Wareheim directorial style. He may have actually directed it, but I do not have official confirmation.

Next up, we have Ditka.

At the Real Deal on Sports, we love Ditka, almost as much as we hate LT.  Here is a clip of him begrudgingly doing a post-game interview for a local Chicago station. Even after a win, he want’s nothing to do with the media. In classic Ditka fashion, he curses, argues and generally doesnt take shit. But the host, reitred CBS sports anchor Johnny Morris stands up to Ditka and stands him down. Although his hair style should be brought into question. Just wait for the special surprise at the end.

LT- video courtesy of Deadspin

Ditka video courtesy of Kap’s corner

Forgetting about the Thursday night game: The 23 point penalty

By Kyle Bauer

For the past four years, the NFL Network has shown a game on Thursday night during the last eight weeks of the season.

For the past four years, I have frequently failed to remember that the NFL Network has shown a game on Thursday night during the last eight weeks of the season. At least in time to adjust my fantasy roster.

I could blame it on the NFL for selecting forgettable, piss poor, match-ups like Chicago at San Fransisco. Well that wasnt forgettable for me because I hate Jay Cutler. I could blame it on Comcast for making the NFL Network an extra 30 bucks a month. But no, I have to take accountability for this myself.

When I forget to add Darren Sproles into my line up, thats my bad. I simply forgot that the Chargers and Titans were playing on Thursday and by the time I realized this, I was done watching Bad Santa for a third time around 10 pm. FAIL. I forgot this even though I have Chris Johnson and Phillip Rivers for starters.

Sproles was rotating with Marion Barber. Most weeks, Barber is a fucking scrub who will do nothing but disappoint and frustrate fantasy owners. Every year, you drink that kool-aid and take Barber with one of your first three picks. I still play him most weeks, because in my leagues jacked up point system, return yards are not accounted for, only rushing and receiving. With that system, Barber is still more valuable than Sproles because that pussy Ladainian Tomlinson waits till the playoffs to fake his turf toe and sucks up most of the plays out of the backfield.


Coming into this week I had planned on playing Sproles. Tennessee’s defense has been suspect all year and the speedy Sproles would be tough to stop if he can get to the outside. More than what Sproles would do, I doubted what Barber would do.  He had 104 all-purpose against Washington is his last meeting against them. The Cowboys offense struggled as a whole though, and once again, with the jacked-up points system I play in, he was only good for 10 points that day. Why? BECAUSE THE ONLY FUCKING WAY YOU CAN ACCUMULATE POINTS AS AN RB IN MY LEAGUE IS IF YOU GO OFF FOR THREE TOUCHDOWNS, just like Darren Sproles. Or rush for a TD and 250 a game like Chris Johnson, who has single-handedly carried my team. Still, you have to have both your RB’s do a lot to rack up points and no, we do not get a flex-back.

The other reason why I doubt Marion Barber is because this is a must-win game for the Cowboys against a team they should beat. Doesnt that just sound like the Cowboys are going to lose to the fucking Redskins 12 to 3? This also scares me because I have Miles Austin too. Yet I feel like Austin is above Homo and Barber and that whole crew of Cowboy flunkies.

My point, I left Sproles on the bench. He earned 23 points. I am in the playoffs. I needed those 23 points. Marion Barber will get three points, I will lose by 19.

I blame my leagues point system.

One other note on the Chargers-Titans game, Jeff Fischer was using Steve McNair as a source of inspiration. No wonder the Titans season has violently been cut short.