Advertisements

My Super Sunday. A diary of thoughts from Kyle Bauer.

By Kyle Bauer

Yesterday was a fantastic day for sport.  True there was Ovechkin showing up Crosby and I guess the Superbowl, but what I’m referring to is the celebrity sports challenges.

Yesterday was the Chris Paul Bowling Tournament, which featured Lamarr Woodley, Hines Ward, Jack DelRio, Ludacris and of course Paul himself. I didnt watch much of this but from what I did see it was the most horribly awkward event. Watching Ludacris being interviewed by bowling announcers was so off.  Of course they tried to drop some ‘SLANG’ on Luda and he wasnt having it. On top of that, they asked him the origins of his name. Is that hard to figure? Couldnt he just want to be called Ludacris for the sake of being called Ludacris? I wish he would had answered that.

The juxtaposition of NFL players and pro bowlers is always fun. Pro bowlers are by far the dorkiest bunch of schmucks on television. They all wear those stupid sponsored shirts, try to be ‘edgy’ (like Pete Weber) but at the end of the day, we know what pro bowlers are and that is a group of out of shape hacks who have mastered a hobbiest skill. To see their pressure and discomfort of trying to mingle with NFL and NBA players was near nerve racking.

www.hornetshype.com has the best coverage of this event.

Then there was litany of celebrity skiing and….uh poker playing….events on ABC following the Magic vs. Celtics game. I can’t tell you much about this because I can find no fallow up coverage online and I only watched like 10 minutes of it because I was busy getting ready for the party.

From what I did see, it was produced in the classic celebrity athletics event fashion. Similar to the Steve Garvey charity classics that I lol’d over so often on episodes of Cheap Seats (miss u Randy & Jay), there was an awful narration of the events by a guy who sounded similar to Buzz Brainard from This Week in Baseball, but sounded just different enough to where I knew it wasnt him. The delivery was slow and forced as he described Kathy Bates cross-country skiing, which I guess this was appropriate because obviously Kathy Bates doing is anything is slow and forced.

Then the cheap plugs began. Instead of running a commercial for the airline that transported celebrities the likes of Joe Pantoliano to Aspen and Calgary, they actually took about two minutes of the show, talking about how great the airline is and showing footage of the celebrities on the plane. Rather shameless but understandable.

I checked out when suddenly Alec Baldwin was playing poker. This left me confused on how they jumped from skiing to poker, so I shut it off in anger.

Despite my displeasure with something that had the potential to be beautifully cheesy, I still found more entertainment out of that than the Orlando-Boston game.

A couple other things that bothered me about yesterday was the predictable grandstanding by non-football fans using social websites to declare how they are better than you because they are not watching the Superbowl. Well….uh ok…..good the Superbowl doesn’t need your viewership anyways, they’re going to be fine.

There are multiple factions of people who carry on about this. In 2004 it was Livejournal. In 2005 and ’06 it was Myspace and over the past three years it has been these groups of people who have used Facebook to annoy me.

The first group that bitches about the Superbowl is the wannabe counter-culture revolutionary, who believes that the Superbowl is the worlds biggest display of capitalism, greed, corruption and american excess. Hmmmm, theyre actually right. But what gets me about their stance is that they are so passionate about it. By posting a Facebook status about how you hate the Superbowl and anyone who watches it is an idiot, what are you accomplishing? Listen, I know you need another cheap thrill to go along with you trying to ruin your families Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, and I know you’re different, but you and your cynical, brat-ass status updates are going to do nothing except display what a douche you are to your 326 friends. You’re not going to stop the Superbowl, your drum circle is not going to stop the Superbowl, if anything the Superbowl will one day stop you. And when you’re 36 and trying to make friends at the office, you’ll find yourself at a party pretending that you know the slightest about football while bandwagoning for some team and social acceptance.

The second group doesn’t bother me too much because I find genuine innocence behind their stance and that is women. If they want to watch the Puppy Bowl and post about how they are watching Puppy Bowl, that is fine with me. I am not going to lie, I have watched a little bit of the Puppy Bowl in the past, finding hilarious and adorable. To me the Puppy Bowl bears equivalence to the Superbowl in these peoples minds, so I do not have a problem with that. It’s honest passion, not trying to be different for the sake of being different and garner attention to yourself like the kids in the first group.

The third group irks me more than the first because of how hypocritical they are and that is soccer snob. This group will post about how they are not watching the Superbowl because they watch “real futbol”. Now I respect soccer and watch it when I can and I have said many times before, the ideal of soccer actually being called football makes a ton more sense than american football. That does not mean you need to turn up your nose and get on your soapbox about stupid american culture and the fanfare behind the event that is the Superbowl and how you’re proudly watching Inter Milan play Palermo to a 0-0 tie. I call their stance hypocritical because they pretend they’re above the riff-raff of NFL hype. Well soccer fan, you definitely are not. Remember that while you bitch about the Superbowl somehow getting in the way of your day-to-day life, the fucking World Cup is on the horizon and that is like six Superbowls rolled into one. Also there is the EURO which is like three Superbowls rolled into one. Then there is also the EUFA title match which doubles the ratings of the Superbowl. When these events occur, I watch, but if I didnt, I wouldn’t go on Facebook and declare that I am not watching a boring soccer game and anyone who watches is wasting their time, and then wait for the hate mail to pile in with a grin on my face. Worldwide, soccer dwarfs the NFL in ratings and also riots, to quote my co-host Neal Ruhl “that’s a fact.” So soccer fan should just calm the fuck down while they wrap on their celebratory scarves and rock some jersey with a corporation plastered all over it.

Those are the three groups who always put a crimp in my Superbowl Sunday, but ultimately it is all good. Another NFL season has passed and now I can wait until next year when I can bitch about more unwarranted hype, have to hear about another Favre return and the Lions will continue to hit new depths of futility.

Good riddance to all of this.

Advertisements

Maybe both teams will be disqualified for…..steroids?……

By Kyle Bauer

Right now the Colts are finishing off the Jets. It really is a shame. I would have loved to watch Rex Ryan’s fat-ass eat a trail of fried chicken from Indianapolis to Mia….errr….”South Florida.”

Coming up next is the prime time event that so many are looking forward too.

This

vs.

Uggggggggggh. This is a worst case scenerio. While I HATE gun-toting rednecks and I love Prince, there is still the one variable that prevents me from rooting for the Vikings. You know who it is. Favre. Fucking Brett Favre.

No, not under any circumstance or capacity could I ever cheer for Brett Favre to go to the Superbowl (ok, well if Favre played for the Lions or I bet like a shit-ton of money on him) . It is in my moral fibers as a fan that this man and the unwarranted hype manchine be stopped. All week I have had to hear about the “40 YEAR OLD VERSION” today it has to stop.

While I am predicting the Vikings to win off of the strength of their offensive and defensive lines, still I am hoping that rednecks everywhere will be gathering to fire off their “gen-u-wine smithinwesen” at their televisions. I hope after tonight every young cajun-neck (hybrid of backwood bayou Cajun and southeastern redneck) boy will have become a “man” after opening fire at his first television/squirell in celebration/dinner. I hope after tonight, there is not a television left in the Bayou.  I hope after tonight there will not be a titty left unexposed in the French Quarter. I hope after tonight all the beignet’s, po-boy’s and hurricane’s are consumed in a celebratory bounty and the number of heart attack victims in New Orleans sky-rockets!

….Well ok, I hope no one dies of course.

To spite Brett Favre, I hope with everything I have the Saints take it tonight. Think of it. We would hear about Kiln, Mississippi. We would hear about the ’97 SuperBowl. If Favre wins, it would be a non-stop nightmare, FOREVER.

Unfortunately if the Saints win, we might hear the stolen phrase “Bless You Boys.”

Either way I lose tonight. But if I am going to lose, I’m going to lose with the Saints. I mean… win with them? I confused myself.

WHAT IT DID!

By Kyle Bauer

I was about to lose all hope.

It all looked so bleak.

When the Cardinals lost, I looked like a complete fool. I boasted on the radio show that the winner of the Packers-Cardinals game on Wildcard Weekend would go on to play in the Superbowl. On paper, the Cardinals looked fearsome and as I have always said the most talented team in the league. Last week I continued to profess my love for Arizona, along with my co-host Neal, we predicted ‘pain’ for the Saints. Unfortunately the Cardinals underachieving defense, continued to underachieve. Kurt Warner went down and went down hard. The game was over by the second quarter.

The rendered me a choice of Dallas, Minnesota and New Orleans. For those of you who read this blog regularly, you know that I despise all three teams. Dallas for being perpetually overhyped. Minnesota because of Favre. New Orleans because of “WHO DAT!?” I was cheering so hard for Arizona or Green Bay to come out of the NFC. Whoever came out of that matchup became my only hope, which may have slightly influenced my ‘BOLD ASS’ prediction that the the winner would represent at the Superbowl, of course, there was also a fair deal of logic.

I was a drift on Saturday night. Completely stunned in wake of the “MASSACRE ON THE MISSISSIPPI”. Being so depressed, I diverted away from television, radio, books, society….life.

In my head I recalled my brief battle with pain killers. Not that it was really a battle, I was voluntarily popping them, but still I recalled the ‘escape’ they provided me. They opened up a world of whimsy where I was free from frightening images, such as Tony Romo and Brett Favre hugging, Adrian Peterson eating candy bars, Marion Barber at the training table and a gaggle of rednecks in Saints jerseys shooting a television.

I contemplated….

Do I return?

NO.

 One; kids, drugs are bad. Two; they made me constipated. Three; I knew that Ladainian Tomlinson was going to take the field on Sunday evening and FAIL.

Fighting the NFL/ESPN hype machine can be hard sometimes. Most battles you will lose,  for example when the ‘World Wide Leader in Sports’ continuously refers to Favre as the “40 year old version” but you will always win the battle when it comes to LT, especially at this time of year.

Of course, the Chargers choked and inexplicably, the Jets are in the AFC Championship. Well to briefly touch on the Jets, this is not inexplicable. They have a great running game, awesome on both lines and I’m not going to mention “Revis Island”…ahem. The Jets are identical to the Ravens run last season. I just never figured that they would get past Cincinnati, but they were better than the Bengals at executing a similar offense and defense.

Still, the Chargers looked like they had the matchup in every facet last night. Despite that, the result was not unexpected. I hoped for it. I would had fought for it. LT did it.  Twelve carries for 24 yards.  Why do I have a feeling that Norv Turner should see a plastic surgeon about his skin, but beforehand, he should had took a bat to LT, because when that vag is on the bench, the Chargers can seem to at least win one playoff game.

 What I was most surprised about is that Tomlinson didn’t just give up like he usually does in the playoffs, but if you noticed, he didn’t play late in the fourth quarter. Maybe he actually did quit and CBS, the NFL Network and ESPN just hid it from us.  Nooooo, I’m sure LT was determined. You have to be after letting this leak out…

Ladanian Tomlinson has saved me. I was going to allow myself to slip into the abyss of sport dispair, possibly never to return again. Instead LT will likely never return again. Initially I am happy about this possibility, yet I am aware that he may never be here to vindicate me from the NFL/ESPN hype machine again.

Miss you LT (2002-2010)