My Super Sunday. A diary of thoughts from Kyle Bauer.

By Kyle Bauer

Yesterday was a fantastic day for sport.  True there was Ovechkin showing up Crosby and I guess the Superbowl, but what I’m referring to is the celebrity sports challenges.

Yesterday was the Chris Paul Bowling Tournament, which featured Lamarr Woodley, Hines Ward, Jack DelRio, Ludacris and of course Paul himself. I didnt watch much of this but from what I did see it was the most horribly awkward event. Watching Ludacris being interviewed by bowling announcers was so off.  Of course they tried to drop some ‘SLANG’ on Luda and he wasnt having it. On top of that, they asked him the origins of his name. Is that hard to figure? Couldnt he just want to be called Ludacris for the sake of being called Ludacris? I wish he would had answered that.

The juxtaposition of NFL players and pro bowlers is always fun. Pro bowlers are by far the dorkiest bunch of schmucks on television. They all wear those stupid sponsored shirts, try to be ‘edgy’ (like Pete Weber) but at the end of the day, we know what pro bowlers are and that is a group of out of shape hacks who have mastered a hobbiest skill. To see their pressure and discomfort of trying to mingle with NFL and NBA players was near nerve racking.

www.hornetshype.com has the best coverage of this event.

Then there was litany of celebrity skiing and….uh poker playing….events on ABC following the Magic vs. Celtics game. I can’t tell you much about this because I can find no fallow up coverage online and I only watched like 10 minutes of it because I was busy getting ready for the party.

From what I did see, it was produced in the classic celebrity athletics event fashion. Similar to the Steve Garvey charity classics that I lol’d over so often on episodes of Cheap Seats (miss u Randy & Jay), there was an awful narration of the events by a guy who sounded similar to Buzz Brainard from This Week in Baseball, but sounded just different enough to where I knew it wasnt him. The delivery was slow and forced as he described Kathy Bates cross-country skiing, which I guess this was appropriate because obviously Kathy Bates doing is anything is slow and forced.

Then the cheap plugs began. Instead of running a commercial for the airline that transported celebrities the likes of Joe Pantoliano to Aspen and Calgary, they actually took about two minutes of the show, talking about how great the airline is and showing footage of the celebrities on the plane. Rather shameless but understandable.

I checked out when suddenly Alec Baldwin was playing poker. This left me confused on how they jumped from skiing to poker, so I shut it off in anger.

Despite my displeasure with something that had the potential to be beautifully cheesy, I still found more entertainment out of that than the Orlando-Boston game.

A couple other things that bothered me about yesterday was the predictable grandstanding by non-football fans using social websites to declare how they are better than you because they are not watching the Superbowl. Well….uh ok…..good the Superbowl doesn’t need your viewership anyways, they’re going to be fine.

There are multiple factions of people who carry on about this. In 2004 it was Livejournal. In 2005 and ’06 it was Myspace and over the past three years it has been these groups of people who have used Facebook to annoy me.

The first group that bitches about the Superbowl is the wannabe counter-culture revolutionary, who believes that the Superbowl is the worlds biggest display of capitalism, greed, corruption and american excess. Hmmmm, theyre actually right. But what gets me about their stance is that they are so passionate about it. By posting a Facebook status about how you hate the Superbowl and anyone who watches it is an idiot, what are you accomplishing? Listen, I know you need another cheap thrill to go along with you trying to ruin your families Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, and I know you’re different, but you and your cynical, brat-ass status updates are going to do nothing except display what a douche you are to your 326 friends. You’re not going to stop the Superbowl, your drum circle is not going to stop the Superbowl, if anything the Superbowl will one day stop you. And when you’re 36 and trying to make friends at the office, you’ll find yourself at a party pretending that you know the slightest about football while bandwagoning for some team and social acceptance.

The second group doesn’t bother me too much because I find genuine innocence behind their stance and that is women. If they want to watch the Puppy Bowl and post about how they are watching Puppy Bowl, that is fine with me. I am not going to lie, I have watched a little bit of the Puppy Bowl in the past, finding hilarious and adorable. To me the Puppy Bowl bears equivalence to the Superbowl in these peoples minds, so I do not have a problem with that. It’s honest passion, not trying to be different for the sake of being different and garner attention to yourself like the kids in the first group.

The third group irks me more than the first because of how hypocritical they are and that is soccer snob. This group will post about how they are not watching the Superbowl because they watch “real futbol”. Now I respect soccer and watch it when I can and I have said many times before, the ideal of soccer actually being called football makes a ton more sense than american football. That does not mean you need to turn up your nose and get on your soapbox about stupid american culture and the fanfare behind the event that is the Superbowl and how you’re proudly watching Inter Milan play Palermo to a 0-0 tie. I call their stance hypocritical because they pretend they’re above the riff-raff of NFL hype. Well soccer fan, you definitely are not. Remember that while you bitch about the Superbowl somehow getting in the way of your day-to-day life, the fucking World Cup is on the horizon and that is like six Superbowls rolled into one. Also there is the EURO which is like three Superbowls rolled into one. Then there is also the EUFA title match which doubles the ratings of the Superbowl. When these events occur, I watch, but if I didnt, I wouldn’t go on Facebook and declare that I am not watching a boring soccer game and anyone who watches is wasting their time, and then wait for the hate mail to pile in with a grin on my face. Worldwide, soccer dwarfs the NFL in ratings and also riots, to quote my co-host Neal Ruhl “that’s a fact.” So soccer fan should just calm the fuck down while they wrap on their celebratory scarves and rock some jersey with a corporation plastered all over it.

Those are the three groups who always put a crimp in my Superbowl Sunday, but ultimately it is all good. Another NFL season has passed and now I can wait until next year when I can bitch about more unwarranted hype, have to hear about another Favre return and the Lions will continue to hit new depths of futility.

Good riddance to all of this.

I have a bad feeling about tomorrow.

By Kyle Bauer

I’m already back from my suspension, after Neal and I pulled guns on eachother at the RDOS practice compound. Hey, I’m not his punk!

I’m scared. Very scared.

The Lions have a chance to possible land the number one pick in the draft that will grab them Ndamakong Soh, Russel Okung, Bruce Campbell, Trent WilliamsTaylor Mays or Eric Berry. While all those players are believed to be NFL ready impact players, Soh is expected to be an immediate pro-bowler. Russel Okung would be a nice number two pick.

What scares me is that the Lions are playing in a game that they need to lose against a very soft team. They are playing at home against Jay Cutler. The Bears have nothing to play for. The Lions can lose and stay in the top two of the draft. If they win, they could get bounced down to fifth. Likely the Lions will hang at two in the draft. Even without Brandon Marshall, I still see the Broncos beating the Chiefs, and the Falcons who also do not have anything to play for should still beat the Bucs in Tampa. But the Lions…. the Lions… the Lions love to fuck anything they can up anyway possible. The Bears love to lay down, like Jay Cutler after he forgets to take his insulin.

My ‘BOLD ASS PREDICTION’

Bears- 12 

Lions- 16  

Yes, the Lions  be fired up and charge out onto Ford Field in front of a sell-out crowd and take advantage of an apathetic Bears team while Dan Miller has a verbal orgasm. The Lions will tell you how big this win is. Dominic Raiola will get in your face if you dare bring up the fact that the Lions blew a shot at the number one pick or possibly a top four pick.  The slaps will go dancing through the streets and proclaim “NEW DECADE, NEW LIONS!!!!!”

NO! THE LIONS MUST GO 2006 CELTICS AND PURPOSELY TANK THIS FUCKING GAME. THEY HAVE TO! A LIONS WIN WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE.

It would only be Lions logic that they win this game. It would only be NFL logic that they win this game.

Be afraid, very afraid. Tomorrow is a huge day for this franchise.

THE RDOS KARMA IS A BITCH.

By Kyle Bauer

THE SAINTS LOSE! THE SAINTS LOSE! THHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEE SAAAAAAAAAAAINTS LOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Their redneck fans shot up a TV in celebration. They tried to mess with Detroit. Now they’re falling apart.

The Saints choked against the Buccaneers, leading 17-10, when Michael Spurlock had a 77 yard punt return at the two-minute warning. New Orleans charged back down the field but they managed to choke again! Kicker Garrett Hartley missed a makeable 37 yard field goal. In overtime the Saints folded like a tent in a hurricane and the Bucs Conor Barth sealed the upset with a 47 yard field goal.

Not only is this good because I have officially declared the Saints and their fan base fraudulent and evil but this has positive implications for the Lions and their draft position. The Lions are in a spot, assuming they lose out, that they will draft second behind the Rams. The Rams are in dire need for a quarterback and possibly might not take Ndamkong Suh. If the Rams pull an upset against Arizona or beat the 49ers, which is possible since neither of those teams have anything to play for, the Lions will have the number one pick.

Could the most embarrassing loss in Lions history end up being a positive?

Naw, the Lions will fuck this up somehow. The cynicism is an old bit, but so is three wins in three years.

Forgetting about the Thursday night game: The 23 point penalty

By Kyle Bauer

For the past four years, the NFL Network has shown a game on Thursday night during the last eight weeks of the season.

For the past four years, I have frequently failed to remember that the NFL Network has shown a game on Thursday night during the last eight weeks of the season. At least in time to adjust my fantasy roster.

I could blame it on the NFL for selecting forgettable, piss poor, match-ups like Chicago at San Fransisco. Well that wasnt forgettable for me because I hate Jay Cutler. I could blame it on Comcast for making the NFL Network an extra 30 bucks a month. But no, I have to take accountability for this myself.

When I forget to add Darren Sproles into my line up, thats my bad. I simply forgot that the Chargers and Titans were playing on Thursday and by the time I realized this, I was done watching Bad Santa for a third time around 10 pm. FAIL. I forgot this even though I have Chris Johnson and Phillip Rivers for starters.

Sproles was rotating with Marion Barber. Most weeks, Barber is a fucking scrub who will do nothing but disappoint and frustrate fantasy owners. Every year, you drink that kool-aid and take Barber with one of your first three picks. I still play him most weeks, because in my leagues jacked up point system, return yards are not accounted for, only rushing and receiving. With that system, Barber is still more valuable than Sproles because that pussy Ladainian Tomlinson waits till the playoffs to fake his turf toe and sucks up most of the plays out of the backfield.


Coming into this week I had planned on playing Sproles. Tennessee’s defense has been suspect all year and the speedy Sproles would be tough to stop if he can get to the outside. More than what Sproles would do, I doubted what Barber would do.  He had 104 all-purpose against Washington is his last meeting against them. The Cowboys offense struggled as a whole though, and once again, with the jacked-up points system I play in, he was only good for 10 points that day. Why? BECAUSE THE ONLY FUCKING WAY YOU CAN ACCUMULATE POINTS AS AN RB IN MY LEAGUE IS IF YOU GO OFF FOR THREE TOUCHDOWNS, just like Darren Sproles. Or rush for a TD and 250 a game like Chris Johnson, who has single-handedly carried my team. Still, you have to have both your RB’s do a lot to rack up points and no, we do not get a flex-back.

The other reason why I doubt Marion Barber is because this is a must-win game for the Cowboys against a team they should beat. Doesnt that just sound like the Cowboys are going to lose to the fucking Redskins 12 to 3? This also scares me because I have Miles Austin too. Yet I feel like Austin is above Homo and Barber and that whole crew of Cowboy flunkies.

My point, I left Sproles on the bench. He earned 23 points. I am in the playoffs. I needed those 23 points. Marion Barber will get three points, I will lose by 19.

I blame my leagues point system.

One other note on the Chargers-Titans game, Jeff Fischer was using Steve McNair as a source of inspiration. No wonder the Titans season has violently been cut short.

I’m not going to title this entry “how ’bout them Cowboys!”

By Kyle Bauer

Glad to see that my update last night fired the Cowboys up and it lead them to a stunning upset of the Saints.

Yes, I like to think that the Cowboys read the post below yesterday and it fired them up. I imagine everyone huddled around Tashard Choice’s lap top at his locker.

Marion Barber read it and said “HEY WHAT THE FUCK! That’s shitty of the Saints. Look how stupid these fans are! I’M ACTUALLY NOT GOING TO BE AN UNDERACHIEVING SCRUB FOR ONE GAME AND LEAD THIS TEAM FOR DETROIT!”

Then DeMarcus Ware wasn’t going to play, but he read the blog. Ware began to “hulk up” and stormed into Wade Phillips office, demanding to play, telling him that he was going to get a sack and a forced fumble. The sack will be for Detroit, the forced fumble will be for the Real Deal on Sports!

Tony Romo looked in the mirror and said “hey this paper boy hat looks fucking stupid. And maybe I shouldn’t be a pussy and blow another big game. Not only am I going to take off this stupid hat and put on a real one, I’m going to go out there and dominate!

The instance of Tony Romo may or may not have been related to yesterdays blog post.

I’m just happy to contribute to the deconstruction of the New Orleans Saints. Funny how the Cowboys still tried to go Cowboys and choke that away. The RDOS karma was just too strong though.

Now I can go back to hating the Cowboys. Especially because with one win, apparently they are suddenly Super Bowl contenders again. Thanks for the integrity Keyshawn Johnson!

Continue to be a “Real American” and ‘hulk up’ by visiting realdealonsports.com

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Athletes making asses of themselves on Twitter vol.1

By Kyle Bauer

This is a new series on the site, highlighting some of the best tweets by athletes who have used Twitter as a site to further feed their already massive egos and needlessly promote themselves.

Today- Tennessee Titans running back, MVP candidate and carrier of my fantasy team, Chris Johnson

ChrisJohnson28 -“Guess what twitter world mike vick just hit me up. damn I’m honored I didn’t really know what to say.but did tell him I’m a big fan”

Why is anyone honored by Micheal Vick? I dont care if you are for second chances or whether you think he shouldnt had been able to come back, bottom line is this man fought and killed dogs. That isnt admirable to me and shouldnt be to anyone. You dont have to be a member of PETA to be against what Vick did, I am certainly not. But I think you do have to be an idiot to idolize him.

The Lions Win!!

Get your box before it’s gone!