Real Deal on Sports soft serve athlete of the week

By Kyle Bauer

 

Today
 

Hank Baskett or rather that plastic female Kendra Wilkinson husband as publications have been referring to him as.

 

The Superbowl turned at halftime when there was a 40 minute break, so the geriatric pedophile could play the Teenage Wasteland song. In this time, Dwight Freeny’s ankle went stiff and Sean Payton had time to decide to open up the second half with an onside kick.
Hank Baskett who is known for his special teams prowess, had the ball loft right towards him annnnnnnnd it bounced off his helmet. The Saints recovered after a vicious dog pile for the ball broke out that I for sure thought would leave a couple players severely injured or dead. I didnt see Baskett in that pile.
The reason why the fight for the ball was so fierce was simply because everyone on the field knew whoever got the ball dramatically increased their chances of winning the game. HANK BASKETT SHOULD HAD COUGHT THE BALL AND A PILE SHOULDNT HAD EVEN EXISTED.

Hank Baskett, you are soft-serve in front of 106 million people!

Runner up is my good friend Jimmy Howard. Oh Jimmy, you’re sooooo lucky that the Superbowl trumped you and your best friend Brad Stuart blowing a FUCKING THREE GOAL LEAD AGAINST THE KINGS! ANNNNNNNNND OF COURSE YOU ALLOW A GOAL WITH TWO MINUTES LEFT. ONCE AGAIN YOU’RE BABY-BOTTOM COULDNT MAKE A BIG SAVE.

WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SEE THAT THIS GUY SUCKS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!

My Super Sunday. A diary of thoughts from Kyle Bauer.

By Kyle Bauer

Yesterday was a fantastic day for sport.  True there was Ovechkin showing up Crosby and I guess the Superbowl, but what I’m referring to is the celebrity sports challenges.

Yesterday was the Chris Paul Bowling Tournament, which featured Lamarr Woodley, Hines Ward, Jack DelRio, Ludacris and of course Paul himself. I didnt watch much of this but from what I did see it was the most horribly awkward event. Watching Ludacris being interviewed by bowling announcers was so off.  Of course they tried to drop some ‘SLANG’ on Luda and he wasnt having it. On top of that, they asked him the origins of his name. Is that hard to figure? Couldnt he just want to be called Ludacris for the sake of being called Ludacris? I wish he would had answered that.

The juxtaposition of NFL players and pro bowlers is always fun. Pro bowlers are by far the dorkiest bunch of schmucks on television. They all wear those stupid sponsored shirts, try to be ‘edgy’ (like Pete Weber) but at the end of the day, we know what pro bowlers are and that is a group of out of shape hacks who have mastered a hobbiest skill. To see their pressure and discomfort of trying to mingle with NFL and NBA players was near nerve racking.

www.hornetshype.com has the best coverage of this event.

Then there was litany of celebrity skiing and….uh poker playing….events on ABC following the Magic vs. Celtics game. I can’t tell you much about this because I can find no fallow up coverage online and I only watched like 10 minutes of it because I was busy getting ready for the party.

From what I did see, it was produced in the classic celebrity athletics event fashion. Similar to the Steve Garvey charity classics that I lol’d over so often on episodes of Cheap Seats (miss u Randy & Jay), there was an awful narration of the events by a guy who sounded similar to Buzz Brainard from This Week in Baseball, but sounded just different enough to where I knew it wasnt him. The delivery was slow and forced as he described Kathy Bates cross-country skiing, which I guess this was appropriate because obviously Kathy Bates doing is anything is slow and forced.

Then the cheap plugs began. Instead of running a commercial for the airline that transported celebrities the likes of Joe Pantoliano to Aspen and Calgary, they actually took about two minutes of the show, talking about how great the airline is and showing footage of the celebrities on the plane. Rather shameless but understandable.

I checked out when suddenly Alec Baldwin was playing poker. This left me confused on how they jumped from skiing to poker, so I shut it off in anger.

Despite my displeasure with something that had the potential to be beautifully cheesy, I still found more entertainment out of that than the Orlando-Boston game.

A couple other things that bothered me about yesterday was the predictable grandstanding by non-football fans using social websites to declare how they are better than you because they are not watching the Superbowl. Well….uh ok…..good the Superbowl doesn’t need your viewership anyways, they’re going to be fine.

There are multiple factions of people who carry on about this. In 2004 it was Livejournal. In 2005 and ’06 it was Myspace and over the past three years it has been these groups of people who have used Facebook to annoy me.

The first group that bitches about the Superbowl is the wannabe counter-culture revolutionary, who believes that the Superbowl is the worlds biggest display of capitalism, greed, corruption and american excess. Hmmmm, theyre actually right. But what gets me about their stance is that they are so passionate about it. By posting a Facebook status about how you hate the Superbowl and anyone who watches it is an idiot, what are you accomplishing? Listen, I know you need another cheap thrill to go along with you trying to ruin your families Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, and I know you’re different, but you and your cynical, brat-ass status updates are going to do nothing except display what a douche you are to your 326 friends. You’re not going to stop the Superbowl, your drum circle is not going to stop the Superbowl, if anything the Superbowl will one day stop you. And when you’re 36 and trying to make friends at the office, you’ll find yourself at a party pretending that you know the slightest about football while bandwagoning for some team and social acceptance.

The second group doesn’t bother me too much because I find genuine innocence behind their stance and that is women. If they want to watch the Puppy Bowl and post about how they are watching Puppy Bowl, that is fine with me. I am not going to lie, I have watched a little bit of the Puppy Bowl in the past, finding hilarious and adorable. To me the Puppy Bowl bears equivalence to the Superbowl in these peoples minds, so I do not have a problem with that. It’s honest passion, not trying to be different for the sake of being different and garner attention to yourself like the kids in the first group.

The third group irks me more than the first because of how hypocritical they are and that is soccer snob. This group will post about how they are not watching the Superbowl because they watch “real futbol”. Now I respect soccer and watch it when I can and I have said many times before, the ideal of soccer actually being called football makes a ton more sense than american football. That does not mean you need to turn up your nose and get on your soapbox about stupid american culture and the fanfare behind the event that is the Superbowl and how you’re proudly watching Inter Milan play Palermo to a 0-0 tie. I call their stance hypocritical because they pretend they’re above the riff-raff of NFL hype. Well soccer fan, you definitely are not. Remember that while you bitch about the Superbowl somehow getting in the way of your day-to-day life, the fucking World Cup is on the horizon and that is like six Superbowls rolled into one. Also there is the EURO which is like three Superbowls rolled into one. Then there is also the EUFA title match which doubles the ratings of the Superbowl. When these events occur, I watch, but if I didnt, I wouldn’t go on Facebook and declare that I am not watching a boring soccer game and anyone who watches is wasting their time, and then wait for the hate mail to pile in with a grin on my face. Worldwide, soccer dwarfs the NFL in ratings and also riots, to quote my co-host Neal Ruhl “that’s a fact.” So soccer fan should just calm the fuck down while they wrap on their celebratory scarves and rock some jersey with a corporation plastered all over it.

Those are the three groups who always put a crimp in my Superbowl Sunday, but ultimately it is all good. Another NFL season has passed and now I can wait until next year when I can bitch about more unwarranted hype, have to hear about another Favre return and the Lions will continue to hit new depths of futility.

Good riddance to all of this.

Stretch and yawn. Yawn and stretch.

By Kyle Bauer

Here we are. Finally the NFL season is about to end or rather….YAY IT’S SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!!!!

While I hate the NFL and only cover it on necessity, I have respect for the spectacle that is the Superbowl. When you think of it, there is a definitive beauty in that one game decides it all. No series needed here. The brutal nature of football sets up for ultimate drama.

The game is a celebration, a holiday. Unless the pending lockout of 2011 tanks the league, I can only see the Superbowl getting bigger, to the point where this will become a national holiday. It would sound ridiculous and bum a lot of pretentious people out but bottom line is that at least 90 million people will be watching this game in this country alone. With the Superbowl, people feel the need to party and be as indulgent as if it were New Years Eve. I don’t have the exact numbers but I’m going to make a guess and say a lot of people will be calling in tomorrow.

I plan on going to a Superbowl party where I am going to take it easy, but in all the prep for that, I dont really have time to create the post I should create for this momentous occasion. Seriously, today has almost a Christmas vibe to it. This game will validate the hype of the event that is the Superbowl in itself. The actual matchup seems to be simmering. Really, I dont understand why.

With all insistence, I keep having to warn people that this game will be close. Because of the Saints needing overtime against Minnesota despite getting five turnovers, many folks believe that the Colts will win easily. I think Peyton Manning might also have something to do with it. Maybe.

My argument for the Saints making it interesting, is found in the way so many pundits are putting them down. New Orleans forces turnovers. They will get pressure on Manning today, the proverbial brick wall in front of him will be crumbled. I am predicting multiple sacks for the Saints, the complete dissolution of the Colts running game and the formidable secondary, lead by the greatest safety of all time, Darren Sharper, will force a rare big interception.

New Orleans running game has become grossly undersold. The Saints have been getting into the end zone with Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush through the playoffs. Drew Bress, who has not looked sharp in recent weeks he will be protected by the trio of running backs and an injured Dwight Freeney.

Ultimately, Peyton Manning’s ability to spread the ball around and the ascention of Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie, will be too much. My point is that while the Colts are going to win, this is going to be a damn good Superbowl. I can understand why people are predicting ‘PAIN’ for the Saints, especially when I have criticized New Orleans majority of the season, but I believe people are simply underestimating their running game and defense.

Colts- 31

Saints-28

 

Who am I actually rooting for though? Of course it’s the Colts. Sure, the city of New Orleans could use this fun lil band-aid but dammit, they already had a parade. Considering that they got alllllll dressed up in drag and danced around like they already won something is enough for me to suggest that karma is going to bite them in the same effect that it helped them get here. Am I suggesting a jinx? Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!

Tack onto that is the other faction of Saints fans. You know damn well who I am talking about. Our good friends in the Bayou swamps (I’m assuming) who will be blasting off televisions everywhere if the Saints win tonight.

This is dangerous. If the Saints win, rednecks will destroy their televisions and possibly create a destructive force almost as powerful as Katrina. They will put themselves into further debt having to buy new televisions, radios and most likely trucks. The celebratory muddin’ will be so fierce that even the biggest of tires may not stand a chance. Costco’s, Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club’s will continue to get bigger and bigger from this trickle down effect causing many smaller companies and chains to go out of business. The global-economy crisis will grow, the margin between rich and poor will swell. Credit Card companies will be salivating.

Another business that will profit will be Aarons. No, not Rent-A-Center, they’re not the official rental center of NASCAR, Aarons is. They are sitting back in the shadows, waiting for Cletus to yell “WHO DAT!” and fire off his .45 into his TV and come in and rent a new 60 inch behemoth. No deposit needed. No credit needed. No interest until 2011. No problem.

 

 Has the Aarons Lucky Dog made your dreams come true today?

I have been fallowing the Saints for a good couple months now. Here it ends.

Previous Saints coverage-

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Last night the Lions won the Superbowl.

By Kyle Bauer

From “The Real Deal on Headlines December 29th, 2009:

“I have been outspoken against the Minnesota Vikings all year long. I respect their defense and Sidney Rice, but otherwise, that team has many holes that can only be filled by unwarranted hype and slappiness. Yes, I am calling out Brett Favre and Adrian Peterson. OH HOW DARE I?!

It is tough to call out these players with what they have accomplished. We all know about Favre blah blah blah. The good has to be taken with the bad. The offense was shortened up and simplified in his favor. All Favre had to do was be a good game manager. As the season went on, we had seen the Vikings offense surprisingly open up, due mostly to the ascention of Vishante Shiancoe, Sidney Rice and Percy Harvin. That inflated Favres ego and the dynamic of this offense. Favre did a great job getting the ball to his receivers, but yes, I am going to say it, Sage Rosenfels and Tavaris Jackson would still have the Vikings in the playoffs. This offense goes as the offensive line goes, no matter who the quarterback is. Favre won them the game against the 49ers early in the season, but I think that is the only specific difference he has made. The offensive line has broken down exposing Favre and Peterson.

I cannot deny that Peterson is an elite running back in an age where they have become hard to find. If Jackson or Rosenfels were at the helm, he would have more carries, but in that instance he might have 10 fumbles instead of his league leading seven. I have always been weary of Peterson because of his inconsistency and a tendency to put the ball on the turf. Also he broke his collar-bone celebrating at Oklahoma. I will never trust a football player who injures himself celebrating.

Heres to Favre falling apart late in the season, like he does around this team every year (except 1997). Heres to the Vikings falling apart late in the season like they do every year (since 1977).”

———————————————————————–

It is funny how the hatred of one man, of one athlete, can bring an entire country together. Yes, hate brought the country and possibly people from all over the world for one purpose; to see Brett Favre fail.

Last night, the social medium that is Facebook was flourishing with anti-Favre activity. My ‘brothers’ publically rallied with me on every play. It was a proud yet confusing moment, since we are lead to believe that we as a society love Favre, that we as a society believe that Favre is warranted every little bit of hype tossed his way. Favre rarely gets bad publicity but he always causes controversy. He extorts a type of controversy that is self-fulfilling. Favre creates the news for him and because we hate him so much, he draws attention. We do not realize that in turn, we aid the Favre monster. Majority of the people hate him, but everyone knows who he is. That is why we get the “40 year old version.”

What I do not understand is the ass-kissing by the media and the seeming incapability of anyone to call it the way it is. I have been wrong about many, many things NFL this season but ultimately I was right about Favre. If I saw this coming, are you going to honestly tell me that Merrill Hodge, Mike Ditka, Troy Aikman, Tom Jackson, Terry Bradshaw, etc. couldnt?! We root so hard for Favre to fail because he has to hit the bottom in order for any analyst to acknowledge it. This could be a far-fetched assumption, but I am of the belief that this is because there is proverbial gun to their heads. The gun is held by the league and networks who know that Favre is a polarizing figure who will always draw attention no matter which way you stand in respect to his talents. With this instance, trying to influence the belief that Favre is better than he really is, or even the best ever, will make more people feel obligated to view the spectacle.

Do I think Brett Favre is an above average quarterback? Yes. Do I think Favre is a hall of famer? Very much so. But I also do not see him anywhere near the top five all-time or as a top five or ten, quarterback today. Favre was more a product of a system on the field and off. He is a manipulation of the media and to lesser extent ourselves, though it be unintentional.

I hope Lions fans enjoyed last night as much as I did. For me, last night was a seminal moment that will personally not be topped until the Lions win the Superbowl. Last night the Lions were playing the Vikings. The Packers were playing the Vikings. The Bears were playing the Vikings. The Buccaneers were playing the Vikings. Everyone was playing Brett Favre. Especially as a Lions fan with no past Superbowl to cling on to, this was it for me.

The drama in the game left me in a state of constant flux. When he was injured I initially laughed. Then the fear set in. If he leads them back on that bad ankle it will be my worst nightmare. For the rest of my life I would hear about Favre’s “heroic” performance. I also knew that this could cause him to falter and lead to his demise.

As Favre drove down the field with under a minute left my heart could not slow down. I kept trying to figure in my head how I was going to avoid watching ESPN and Fox Sports for the next three weeks and still do my radio show. Had Favre scored that touchdown, I may had been relegated to give up my budding sports radio career altogether.

I had to keep thinking back to January 21st, 2008.

The same emotions went through my head as I paced back and forth, gently pulling my hair. I was thinking that we already lucked out once and we are not going to luck out again. Favre is going to put a bow on this game. My mental dissention will begin and physically I may not be able to eat for days.

I raised my arms in celebration when the 12 men in the huddle occurred. This was desperate satisfaction knowing that Longwell now had a bit harder of an attempt in front of him. Still my stomach was sunk, hope was dwindled down to the fingertips of a Saints defensive linemen.  Never did I think it could happen again…

Post-gasp, I began to laugh uncontrollably. I began to point at a close up of Favre’s teary, red eyes as he slowly walked off the field, stunned with himself. I pointed with all the furiosity someone could point with, hoping that it be so sharp, Favre could see it, right in his grey, self-absorbed face. I continued to laugh so boisterously, hoping that it be so loud and hearty that Favre could hear it beneath his purple earplugs. I have a feeling I wasn’t the only person, who wanted it be known to Favre from their family room’s and bar’s across the country, that they were reveling in his failure.

The Icelandic celebration hymn Olsen Olsen by Sigur Ros played in my head as I danced while the contstant shot of Favre beside himself on the sidelines sat proudly like a photo I wanted to frame and let hang forever.

olsenolsen

Examine the audio of Vikings play-by-play team Paul Allen and Pete Berchic….

(video courtesey of awfulannouncing.blogspot.com)

and then the reaction of these poor, poor Vikings fans.

(video courtesey of deadspin.com)

When you put you faith in the “gunslinger” this will happen. He will let you down. He will let you down because of karma. I believe in karma. When you hold multiple franchises hostage, inundate us with your selfish indecision and are given unwarranted praise because the media sold their soul to your soap opera of a career, it will come back on you. It came back on him last night. Now even Minnesota fans hate him too.  Such as his celebrity was self-fulfilled off the field, once again his fate was self-fulfilled on it.

“Ball don’t lie.”- Rasheed Wallace.

 

Maybe both teams will be disqualified for…..steroids?……

By Kyle Bauer

Right now the Colts are finishing off the Jets. It really is a shame. I would have loved to watch Rex Ryan’s fat-ass eat a trail of fried chicken from Indianapolis to Mia….errr….”South Florida.”

Coming up next is the prime time event that so many are looking forward too.

This

vs.

Uggggggggggh. This is a worst case scenerio. While I HATE gun-toting rednecks and I love Prince, there is still the one variable that prevents me from rooting for the Vikings. You know who it is. Favre. Fucking Brett Favre.

No, not under any circumstance or capacity could I ever cheer for Brett Favre to go to the Superbowl (ok, well if Favre played for the Lions or I bet like a shit-ton of money on him) . It is in my moral fibers as a fan that this man and the unwarranted hype manchine be stopped. All week I have had to hear about the “40 YEAR OLD VERSION” today it has to stop.

While I am predicting the Vikings to win off of the strength of their offensive and defensive lines, still I am hoping that rednecks everywhere will be gathering to fire off their “gen-u-wine smithinwesen” at their televisions. I hope after tonight every young cajun-neck (hybrid of backwood bayou Cajun and southeastern redneck) boy will have become a “man” after opening fire at his first television/squirell in celebration/dinner. I hope after tonight, there is not a television left in the Bayou.  I hope after tonight there will not be a titty left unexposed in the French Quarter. I hope after tonight all the beignet’s, po-boy’s and hurricane’s are consumed in a celebratory bounty and the number of heart attack victims in New Orleans sky-rockets!

….Well ok, I hope no one dies of course.

To spite Brett Favre, I hope with everything I have the Saints take it tonight. Think of it. We would hear about Kiln, Mississippi. We would hear about the ’97 SuperBowl. If Favre wins, it would be a non-stop nightmare, FOREVER.

Unfortunately if the Saints win, we might hear the stolen phrase “Bless You Boys.”

Either way I lose tonight. But if I am going to lose, I’m going to lose with the Saints. I mean… win with them? I confused myself.