From Fat to Last

By Kyle Bauer

 

Sometimes life lets you down. Sometimes heroes fall. Sometimes the gravity pulls you under. But unfortunately for me, the Rex Ryan gravitational pull has decreased.

The worlds most successful morbidly obese man has sold out. On Sunday it was reported that Rex Ryan will be receiving lap-band surgery. This is like finding out your favorite baseball player is on steroids, except in the case of Ryan it is dropping weight. How could a man whose virility was counted in calories, strip himself of the strength in steaks that created a legend?

Virility counting in calories is not a reach in the case of Ryan. When he was pounding down 7,000 calories a day, the Jets were rolling, as if they were kneading out pie crust as sweet as the Superbowl. Normally I advocate weight loss, dieting and healthy living but Ryan NEEDS TO BE FAT. Without his girth, the Jets will not clinch a playoff berth.

In the continuation of sad moves by Jets personnel, they make another move that will hurt their post-season chances. LT HAS SIGNED WITH THE JETS.

Lets do the math

LT+slender Rex Ryan= NO CONCEIVABLE WAY THE JETS FINISH OUTSIDE OF LAST PLACE.

The bowl bound blubber will melt from Rex and then they sign the ultimate loser? What the fuck Jets. Also they lost the coin toss to play the first game at the new stadium. IT HAS ALREADY STARTED.

You have to remember that the Shonn Greene mocked LT’s celebration when he scored the dagger against the Chargers. Now LT will have to back up the kid who showed him up. How poetic in the land of Real Deal Karma.

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This winner of the Real Deal on Sports Photoshop contest….

 

Is Sparty!

For this asstastic entry

He wins two tickets to see the Buffalo Sabres defeat the Red Wings, March 13th 7pm at Joe Louis Arena.

He also will receive a prized copy of Cool Runnings on VHS in honor of the Winter Olympics

Stay tuned for more RDOS contests and more great prizes to go with them!

Sparty, email me at kbauer83@yahoo.com for information on how to claim your prize!

The return of athletes making asses of themselves on twitter.

By Kyle Bauer

It’s baaaaaaack! After a hiatus from this popular feature, we return today with Vikings Offensive Lineman Bryant McKinnie.

Last week, I read a feature on McKinnie, and his behavior during the festivities at the Superbowl. Apparently McKinnie is so out of control, he was originally elected to the pro-bowl but was axed because the league was unable to get in contact with him to let him know in time!

His antics are best captured in an article by ESPN honk Dan Le Batard in the Miami Herald

The article referenced a rather confusing relationship that the NFL star has garnered with washed up whore and ex-convict Lil Kim.

The following post will leave you even more confused.

bigmacvikingsProducers while I still have Lil Kim with me send me some hot tracks. We been going thru songs all day. We went thru some last nite as well.

So uh is Bryant McKinnie starting a rap career and Lil Kim is producing for him?
Is he producing for Lil Kim?
Is she humoring him?
Is he simply listening to music and completely misinterpreting what Lil Kim’s purpose for him there was?
Well I know for sure he is banging her and he will have hepatitis soon…..and not the ‘good’ kind either….

McKinnie is becoming a hero of mine. Not only is he rapping and/ or producing with Lil Kim but you’ll see if you scroll further through his page, he is also attempting a tennis match vs. Venus Williams. Bryant McKinnie is proving to not only be a superior offensive lineman and partyer but a renaissance man.

The only thing left for him to do is attend hockey games with Rex Ryan.

He’s wearing a Big Dogs shirt everybody. A BIG DOGS SHIRT!

My Super Sunday. A diary of thoughts from Kyle Bauer.

By Kyle Bauer

Yesterday was a fantastic day for sport.  True there was Ovechkin showing up Crosby and I guess the Superbowl, but what I’m referring to is the celebrity sports challenges.

Yesterday was the Chris Paul Bowling Tournament, which featured Lamarr Woodley, Hines Ward, Jack DelRio, Ludacris and of course Paul himself. I didnt watch much of this but from what I did see it was the most horribly awkward event. Watching Ludacris being interviewed by bowling announcers was so off.  Of course they tried to drop some ‘SLANG’ on Luda and he wasnt having it. On top of that, they asked him the origins of his name. Is that hard to figure? Couldnt he just want to be called Ludacris for the sake of being called Ludacris? I wish he would had answered that.

The juxtaposition of NFL players and pro bowlers is always fun. Pro bowlers are by far the dorkiest bunch of schmucks on television. They all wear those stupid sponsored shirts, try to be ‘edgy’ (like Pete Weber) but at the end of the day, we know what pro bowlers are and that is a group of out of shape hacks who have mastered a hobbiest skill. To see their pressure and discomfort of trying to mingle with NFL and NBA players was near nerve racking.

www.hornetshype.com has the best coverage of this event.

Then there was litany of celebrity skiing and….uh poker playing….events on ABC following the Magic vs. Celtics game. I can’t tell you much about this because I can find no fallow up coverage online and I only watched like 10 minutes of it because I was busy getting ready for the party.

From what I did see, it was produced in the classic celebrity athletics event fashion. Similar to the Steve Garvey charity classics that I lol’d over so often on episodes of Cheap Seats (miss u Randy & Jay), there was an awful narration of the events by a guy who sounded similar to Buzz Brainard from This Week in Baseball, but sounded just different enough to where I knew it wasnt him. The delivery was slow and forced as he described Kathy Bates cross-country skiing, which I guess this was appropriate because obviously Kathy Bates doing is anything is slow and forced.

Then the cheap plugs began. Instead of running a commercial for the airline that transported celebrities the likes of Joe Pantoliano to Aspen and Calgary, they actually took about two minutes of the show, talking about how great the airline is and showing footage of the celebrities on the plane. Rather shameless but understandable.

I checked out when suddenly Alec Baldwin was playing poker. This left me confused on how they jumped from skiing to poker, so I shut it off in anger.

Despite my displeasure with something that had the potential to be beautifully cheesy, I still found more entertainment out of that than the Orlando-Boston game.

A couple other things that bothered me about yesterday was the predictable grandstanding by non-football fans using social websites to declare how they are better than you because they are not watching the Superbowl. Well….uh ok…..good the Superbowl doesn’t need your viewership anyways, they’re going to be fine.

There are multiple factions of people who carry on about this. In 2004 it was Livejournal. In 2005 and ’06 it was Myspace and over the past three years it has been these groups of people who have used Facebook to annoy me.

The first group that bitches about the Superbowl is the wannabe counter-culture revolutionary, who believes that the Superbowl is the worlds biggest display of capitalism, greed, corruption and american excess. Hmmmm, theyre actually right. But what gets me about their stance is that they are so passionate about it. By posting a Facebook status about how you hate the Superbowl and anyone who watches it is an idiot, what are you accomplishing? Listen, I know you need another cheap thrill to go along with you trying to ruin your families Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, and I know you’re different, but you and your cynical, brat-ass status updates are going to do nothing except display what a douche you are to your 326 friends. You’re not going to stop the Superbowl, your drum circle is not going to stop the Superbowl, if anything the Superbowl will one day stop you. And when you’re 36 and trying to make friends at the office, you’ll find yourself at a party pretending that you know the slightest about football while bandwagoning for some team and social acceptance.

The second group doesn’t bother me too much because I find genuine innocence behind their stance and that is women. If they want to watch the Puppy Bowl and post about how they are watching Puppy Bowl, that is fine with me. I am not going to lie, I have watched a little bit of the Puppy Bowl in the past, finding hilarious and adorable. To me the Puppy Bowl bears equivalence to the Superbowl in these peoples minds, so I do not have a problem with that. It’s honest passion, not trying to be different for the sake of being different and garner attention to yourself like the kids in the first group.

The third group irks me more than the first because of how hypocritical they are and that is soccer snob. This group will post about how they are not watching the Superbowl because they watch “real futbol”. Now I respect soccer and watch it when I can and I have said many times before, the ideal of soccer actually being called football makes a ton more sense than american football. That does not mean you need to turn up your nose and get on your soapbox about stupid american culture and the fanfare behind the event that is the Superbowl and how you’re proudly watching Inter Milan play Palermo to a 0-0 tie. I call their stance hypocritical because they pretend they’re above the riff-raff of NFL hype. Well soccer fan, you definitely are not. Remember that while you bitch about the Superbowl somehow getting in the way of your day-to-day life, the fucking World Cup is on the horizon and that is like six Superbowls rolled into one. Also there is the EURO which is like three Superbowls rolled into one. Then there is also the EUFA title match which doubles the ratings of the Superbowl. When these events occur, I watch, but if I didnt, I wouldn’t go on Facebook and declare that I am not watching a boring soccer game and anyone who watches is wasting their time, and then wait for the hate mail to pile in with a grin on my face. Worldwide, soccer dwarfs the NFL in ratings and also riots, to quote my co-host Neal Ruhl “that’s a fact.” So soccer fan should just calm the fuck down while they wrap on their celebratory scarves and rock some jersey with a corporation plastered all over it.

Those are the three groups who always put a crimp in my Superbowl Sunday, but ultimately it is all good. Another NFL season has passed and now I can wait until next year when I can bitch about more unwarranted hype, have to hear about another Favre return and the Lions will continue to hit new depths of futility.

Good riddance to all of this.

Stretch and yawn. Yawn and stretch.

By Kyle Bauer

Here we are. Finally the NFL season is about to end or rather….YAY IT’S SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!!!!

While I hate the NFL and only cover it on necessity, I have respect for the spectacle that is the Superbowl. When you think of it, there is a definitive beauty in that one game decides it all. No series needed here. The brutal nature of football sets up for ultimate drama.

The game is a celebration, a holiday. Unless the pending lockout of 2011 tanks the league, I can only see the Superbowl getting bigger, to the point where this will become a national holiday. It would sound ridiculous and bum a lot of pretentious people out but bottom line is that at least 90 million people will be watching this game in this country alone. With the Superbowl, people feel the need to party and be as indulgent as if it were New Years Eve. I don’t have the exact numbers but I’m going to make a guess and say a lot of people will be calling in tomorrow.

I plan on going to a Superbowl party where I am going to take it easy, but in all the prep for that, I dont really have time to create the post I should create for this momentous occasion. Seriously, today has almost a Christmas vibe to it. This game will validate the hype of the event that is the Superbowl in itself. The actual matchup seems to be simmering. Really, I dont understand why.

With all insistence, I keep having to warn people that this game will be close. Because of the Saints needing overtime against Minnesota despite getting five turnovers, many folks believe that the Colts will win easily. I think Peyton Manning might also have something to do with it. Maybe.

My argument for the Saints making it interesting, is found in the way so many pundits are putting them down. New Orleans forces turnovers. They will get pressure on Manning today, the proverbial brick wall in front of him will be crumbled. I am predicting multiple sacks for the Saints, the complete dissolution of the Colts running game and the formidable secondary, lead by the greatest safety of all time, Darren Sharper, will force a rare big interception.

New Orleans running game has become grossly undersold. The Saints have been getting into the end zone with Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush through the playoffs. Drew Bress, who has not looked sharp in recent weeks he will be protected by the trio of running backs and an injured Dwight Freeney.

Ultimately, Peyton Manning’s ability to spread the ball around and the ascention of Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie, will be too much. My point is that while the Colts are going to win, this is going to be a damn good Superbowl. I can understand why people are predicting ‘PAIN’ for the Saints, especially when I have criticized New Orleans majority of the season, but I believe people are simply underestimating their running game and defense.

Colts- 31

Saints-28

 

Who am I actually rooting for though? Of course it’s the Colts. Sure, the city of New Orleans could use this fun lil band-aid but dammit, they already had a parade. Considering that they got alllllll dressed up in drag and danced around like they already won something is enough for me to suggest that karma is going to bite them in the same effect that it helped them get here. Am I suggesting a jinx? Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!

Tack onto that is the other faction of Saints fans. You know damn well who I am talking about. Our good friends in the Bayou swamps (I’m assuming) who will be blasting off televisions everywhere if the Saints win tonight.

This is dangerous. If the Saints win, rednecks will destroy their televisions and possibly create a destructive force almost as powerful as Katrina. They will put themselves into further debt having to buy new televisions, radios and most likely trucks. The celebratory muddin’ will be so fierce that even the biggest of tires may not stand a chance. Costco’s, Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club’s will continue to get bigger and bigger from this trickle down effect causing many smaller companies and chains to go out of business. The global-economy crisis will grow, the margin between rich and poor will swell. Credit Card companies will be salivating.

Another business that will profit will be Aarons. No, not Rent-A-Center, they’re not the official rental center of NASCAR, Aarons is. They are sitting back in the shadows, waiting for Cletus to yell “WHO DAT!” and fire off his .45 into his TV and come in and rent a new 60 inch behemoth. No deposit needed. No credit needed. No interest until 2011. No problem.

 

 Has the Aarons Lucky Dog made your dreams come true today?

I have been fallowing the Saints for a good couple months now. Here it ends.

Previous Saints coverage-

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My return to the site.

By Kyle Bauer

Hey everyone, I took the weekend off but now I’m back .

Missed y’all.

Maybe both teams will be disqualified for…..steroids?……

By Kyle Bauer

Right now the Colts are finishing off the Jets. It really is a shame. I would have loved to watch Rex Ryan’s fat-ass eat a trail of fried chicken from Indianapolis to Mia….errr….”South Florida.”

Coming up next is the prime time event that so many are looking forward too.

This

vs.

Uggggggggggh. This is a worst case scenerio. While I HATE gun-toting rednecks and I love Prince, there is still the one variable that prevents me from rooting for the Vikings. You know who it is. Favre. Fucking Brett Favre.

No, not under any circumstance or capacity could I ever cheer for Brett Favre to go to the Superbowl (ok, well if Favre played for the Lions or I bet like a shit-ton of money on him) . It is in my moral fibers as a fan that this man and the unwarranted hype manchine be stopped. All week I have had to hear about the “40 YEAR OLD VERSION” today it has to stop.

While I am predicting the Vikings to win off of the strength of their offensive and defensive lines, still I am hoping that rednecks everywhere will be gathering to fire off their “gen-u-wine smithinwesen” at their televisions. I hope after tonight every young cajun-neck (hybrid of backwood bayou Cajun and southeastern redneck) boy will have become a “man” after opening fire at his first television/squirell in celebration/dinner. I hope after tonight, there is not a television left in the Bayou.  I hope after tonight there will not be a titty left unexposed in the French Quarter. I hope after tonight all the beignet’s, po-boy’s and hurricane’s are consumed in a celebratory bounty and the number of heart attack victims in New Orleans sky-rockets!

….Well ok, I hope no one dies of course.

To spite Brett Favre, I hope with everything I have the Saints take it tonight. Think of it. We would hear about Kiln, Mississippi. We would hear about the ’97 SuperBowl. If Favre wins, it would be a non-stop nightmare, FOREVER.

Unfortunately if the Saints win, we might hear the stolen phrase “Bless You Boys.”

Either way I lose tonight. But if I am going to lose, I’m going to lose with the Saints. I mean… win with them? I confused myself.