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Real Deal on Sports soft serve athlete of the week

By Kyle Bauer

 

Today
 

Hank Baskett or rather that plastic female Kendra Wilkinson husband as publications have been referring to him as.

 

The Superbowl turned at halftime when there was a 40 minute break, so the geriatric pedophile could play the Teenage Wasteland song. In this time, Dwight Freeny’s ankle went stiff and Sean Payton had time to decide to open up the second half with an onside kick.
Hank Baskett who is known for his special teams prowess, had the ball loft right towards him annnnnnnnd it bounced off his helmet. The Saints recovered after a vicious dog pile for the ball broke out that I for sure thought would leave a couple players severely injured or dead. I didnt see Baskett in that pile.
The reason why the fight for the ball was so fierce was simply because everyone on the field knew whoever got the ball dramatically increased their chances of winning the game. HANK BASKETT SHOULD HAD COUGHT THE BALL AND A PILE SHOULDNT HAD EVEN EXISTED.

Hank Baskett, you are soft-serve in front of 106 million people!

Runner up is my good friend Jimmy Howard. Oh Jimmy, you’re sooooo lucky that the Superbowl trumped you and your best friend Brad Stuart blowing a FUCKING THREE GOAL LEAD AGAINST THE KINGS! ANNNNNNNNND OF COURSE YOU ALLOW A GOAL WITH TWO MINUTES LEFT. ONCE AGAIN YOU’RE BABY-BOTTOM COULDNT MAKE A BIG SAVE.

WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SEE THAT THIS GUY SUCKS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!

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Stretch and yawn. Yawn and stretch.

By Kyle Bauer

Here we are. Finally the NFL season is about to end or rather….YAY IT’S SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!!!!

While I hate the NFL and only cover it on necessity, I have respect for the spectacle that is the Superbowl. When you think of it, there is a definitive beauty in that one game decides it all. No series needed here. The brutal nature of football sets up for ultimate drama.

The game is a celebration, a holiday. Unless the pending lockout of 2011 tanks the league, I can only see the Superbowl getting bigger, to the point where this will become a national holiday. It would sound ridiculous and bum a lot of pretentious people out but bottom line is that at least 90 million people will be watching this game in this country alone. With the Superbowl, people feel the need to party and be as indulgent as if it were New Years Eve. I don’t have the exact numbers but I’m going to make a guess and say a lot of people will be calling in tomorrow.

I plan on going to a Superbowl party where I am going to take it easy, but in all the prep for that, I dont really have time to create the post I should create for this momentous occasion. Seriously, today has almost a Christmas vibe to it. This game will validate the hype of the event that is the Superbowl in itself. The actual matchup seems to be simmering. Really, I dont understand why.

With all insistence, I keep having to warn people that this game will be close. Because of the Saints needing overtime against Minnesota despite getting five turnovers, many folks believe that the Colts will win easily. I think Peyton Manning might also have something to do with it. Maybe.

My argument for the Saints making it interesting, is found in the way so many pundits are putting them down. New Orleans forces turnovers. They will get pressure on Manning today, the proverbial brick wall in front of him will be crumbled. I am predicting multiple sacks for the Saints, the complete dissolution of the Colts running game and the formidable secondary, lead by the greatest safety of all time, Darren Sharper, will force a rare big interception.

New Orleans running game has become grossly undersold. The Saints have been getting into the end zone with Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush through the playoffs. Drew Bress, who has not looked sharp in recent weeks he will be protected by the trio of running backs and an injured Dwight Freeney.

Ultimately, Peyton Manning’s ability to spread the ball around and the ascention of Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie, will be too much. My point is that while the Colts are going to win, this is going to be a damn good Superbowl. I can understand why people are predicting ‘PAIN’ for the Saints, especially when I have criticized New Orleans majority of the season, but I believe people are simply underestimating their running game and defense.

Colts- 31

Saints-28

 

Who am I actually rooting for though? Of course it’s the Colts. Sure, the city of New Orleans could use this fun lil band-aid but dammit, they already had a parade. Considering that they got alllllll dressed up in drag and danced around like they already won something is enough for me to suggest that karma is going to bite them in the same effect that it helped them get here. Am I suggesting a jinx? Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!

Tack onto that is the other faction of Saints fans. You know damn well who I am talking about. Our good friends in the Bayou swamps (I’m assuming) who will be blasting off televisions everywhere if the Saints win tonight.

This is dangerous. If the Saints win, rednecks will destroy their televisions and possibly create a destructive force almost as powerful as Katrina. They will put themselves into further debt having to buy new televisions, radios and most likely trucks. The celebratory muddin’ will be so fierce that even the biggest of tires may not stand a chance. Costco’s, Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club’s will continue to get bigger and bigger from this trickle down effect causing many smaller companies and chains to go out of business. The global-economy crisis will grow, the margin between rich and poor will swell. Credit Card companies will be salivating.

Another business that will profit will be Aarons. No, not Rent-A-Center, they’re not the official rental center of NASCAR, Aarons is. They are sitting back in the shadows, waiting for Cletus to yell “WHO DAT!” and fire off his .45 into his TV and come in and rent a new 60 inch behemoth. No deposit needed. No credit needed. No interest until 2011. No problem.

 

 Has the Aarons Lucky Dog made your dreams come true today?

I have been fallowing the Saints for a good couple months now. Here it ends.

Previous Saints coverage-

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http://wp.me/pGn7Z-9C

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http://wp.me/pGn7Z-6N

http://wp.me/pGn7Z-6I

http://wp.me/pGn7Z-6f

Football at its worst but also its finest.

By Kyle Bauer

While I wouldnt call this part 4 of my blog, I still have a couple blurbs on today.

Today is the Bayou Classic. It is currently in the second quarter on NBC.

This game is usually poorly played football. A form of football that seems slightly lower than division 2 or 1-AA at times (it will always be division 2 and 1-AA to me). Despite that I still enjoy it very much. Like the Army-Navy game, which is usually also brutal, there is an aesthetic to this game that I can’t deny. Such as I talk about holiday tradition, I seem to be decorating the tree every year while watching the Bayou Classic and Florida-Florida St. The Bayou Classic is a symbol of the holiday season to me. That is why I’m able to look past the brutal, brutal, awful brand of football. It’s still better than most NFL games though.

I find it funny that Paul McGuire is on the coverage of this game. I had wondered what happened to him really and seeing him on this  unfortunately tells me a lot. I enjoy Paul McGuire and how gruff he is. Seriously, is there a bigger curmudgeon in sports commentary than McGuire? He is so angry all the time and that is what I love. He gets pissed when teams suck or players do something stupid. Maybe he’ll have a stroke before the game is over.

OH MAN GRAMBLING JUST SCORED USING THE WILDCAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!